Chronicles of the Daily Grind

Last saturday, our family moved to Cavite.
This affects me deeply.
It is from Tarlac where I was born, where I grew up, where I was shaped and formed into who I am.
Inclusve of the pain and difficulty, it is very hard for me to let go of Tarlac.
It is not just the place... it's about the people i have encountered, it's the life that moulded me and led me to who i am and to where i am now. I was most often identified as a Tarlaqueño, and i'm proud of that.
Moving to Cavite is a big CHANGE and TURNOVER in my life.
I'm still in the process of accepting...
I'm in the process of letting go...
It hurts.
But life has to move on...
for whatever reason, I have to face this reality...
Although, CHANGE could stir us, but it is an opportunity for integration.
I have the painful issue on losing control...
Yet, I can't control the fact that everyday there are CHANGES.
This leads me to a very good and painful song of Jose Mari Chan, Constant Change:

We're on the road
We move from place to place
And oftentimes when I'm about to call it home
We'd have to move along
Life is a constant change...

The friends we know we meet along the way
Too soon the times we share form part of yesterday
'Cause life's a constant change
And nothing stays the same, oh no

Clouds that move across the skies
Are changing form before our very eyes

Why couldn't we keep time from movin' on?
Hold on to all the years before this moment's gone?
Why must we live the days at such a frightening pace?

We're all like clouds that move across the skies
And changing form before our very eyes

Have we outgrown our Peter Pans and wings?
We've simply grown too old for tales of knights and kings
'Cause life's a constant change
And nothing stays the same, oh no

Lord, with this reality before me, allow me to see your hand in all these, that in the dread of instability and uncertainty I may be consoled that despite all the CHANGES, You remain CONSTANT and EVER-PRESENT in my life. Amen.

Posted by brodiz at 11:29 AM | Permalink | Comments

i've been sick for the past two weeks...
i'm having on and off colds, dry cough and asthma attacks...
they say it's caused by the sudden change of the climate conditions...
while some say that asthma attacks are psychosomatic cases...
i say it's both.
every time i meet people with this kind of sickness, i try to validate this case...
of course, people don't naturally admit the "psycho" part...
that's the first natural tendency of people who avoid the truth -- denial!
i've been stressed out for the past two weeks...
i've been asking myself why i do things.
i've been asking myself why i preoccupy myself with extraordinary tasks when i see that my companions who are more capable than me just remain doing the ordinary tasks they are expected to do.
the problem is, people don't hear anything from me. and when they get to hear anything from me -- a request, a plea for help or support to at least help you unburden some tasks -- i couldn't get any.
thus, i can't breathe with this burden in my chest.
i am reactive, but not expressive... and so i find myself explosive.
and so perhaps this explains the psychosomatic side of my sickness....
i don't know... perhaps i'm just thinking too hard...
perhaps i'm expecting that much...
or perhaps, i have the wrong motivation in doing things...
or perhaps, i've really neglected myself...
worse, Lord, if i have neglected You, and have not seen You in these difficult tasks.
these are little things...
yet i know that in the minute flaw,
the devil is at work.
Lord, help me to be well.

Posted by brodiz at 4:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

Coming from a week long vacation, I bring with me two seasons of the TV series Lost. I am already in the 20th episode of the first season and I crave to watch for more. I can't wait for Sunday. It is the only time that the structure could allow us to watch. Yet, I feel guilty and sorry that I get to be more excited to this than the focal point of the Lord's day. I guess this is addiction.

Lost has an interesting storyline. A plane crashes to a mysterious island. Survivors do what it takes to survive. As the island unravels its mystery and obscurity, so are the unfolding of the life issues of the survivors. Life is more than surviving from a physical insecurity and external prison. The problem is not only that they are lost in an island, but that they are lost in life. The exile is an experience of accepting and confronting this fact.

Lost is already in its third season in the regular TV viewing series. But we can't watch TV here in the seminary. I am just lucky and happy to have the chance to see this.

Posted by brodiz at 6:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

I have been reading Alvin and Heidi Toffler's War and Anti-War. The book is fascinating as it discusses the analysis of conflicts, the historical, psychological, sociological, and cultural backgrounds of wars of the entire world. The Toffler couple beautifully opens their book with a quotation from Leon Trotsky, "You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you."

The book is actually a zeroing in of a very phenomenal reality based from Toffler's previous book The Third Wave published in 1980. It describes three transformatory phases in human history. The first wave refers to the agricultural revolution which happened 10,000 years ago which significantly altered the human civilization. The industrial revolution precipitated the second wave of human civilization 300 years ago. The third wave refers to the present situation we are in -- the post-industrial, the information-based civilization. And so, Toffler actually gave symbols for these three: the hoe referring to the first wave, the steam engine referring to the second wave, and the computer referring to the third wave.

This present book presents cataclysmic notion on war and anti-war. Quoting from the book:

"But while wars actual, potential, and vicarious shape our existence, there is a completely forgotten reverse reality. For every one of our lives has also been shaped by wars that were NOT fought, that were prevented because "anti-wars" were won."

For Toffler, war and anti-war are not either/or opposites. The thesis of his book is presented thus: "the way we make war reflects the way we make wealth -- and the way we make anti-war must reflect the way we make war."

After all, we have our own private wars to contend with. We are at war for survivals. And the reality of this war can be concretely seen in our everyday conflicts. The reality of conflicts is the reality of war in our lives. How we resolve these conflicts determines the battle that lie ahead. I haven't finished reading the book. I have been gaining a lot of good insights. I realize that each man's conflict contribute to that collective war that is about to break out.

Yet, reflecting further and deeper, that the biggest and greatest war I had to contend with is my self. We tend to blame others and situations, but fail to blame ourselves. See, how we can confront ourselves.

Posted by brodiz at 1:02 PM | Permalink | Comments

Oct. 29 (Sunday)

I never thought that renewal of profession is as important as celebrating one’s birthday. It’s striking when the community lets you feel that way. I prefer it to be private. Inter nos. Fr. Rector however insisted to have it with the seminarians as the audience – a sort of vocation promotion. But I think it’s too late for that. Eight sems have already left the seminary this semester for various reasons. And most of these young men are significant in my life, as I laugh with them, share their stories, listen to their problems and difficulties, play outdoor games with them. This mass exodus of the sems inevitably caused influences that could affect those who were left behind. Vocation is already scarce and yet those we have are shedding away. Is the life difficult? I admit it is! And so facing before these sems made me uncomfortable. I, too, struggle the difficulty of this life. What makes this life difficult? Control! We want to be in control. The life of a religious asks us to shed off our power. We are to allow God to take control. This is the difficulty. Losing one’s control means losing one’s security. Yet, this is what faith is all about. Faith at times moves me to foolishly give up my security. I am a fool for Christ. Yet, my faith assures me of that “full” Christ in me. As I renew my vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, I recognize that I am a fool before Christ. May the Lord, grant me that peace as I remain in the backseat. May the Lord take over. “Not my will, but yours be done.”

Posted by brodiz at 6:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

This post is way too late. Busy these days… no time to blog. Yet, I never failed writing down my experiences and reflections in my journal. I hope to update as frequent as possible.

Oct. 23 (Monday)

We woke up at 4:15 am, took showers, then light breakfast, then packed and left at around 5:00 am. We arrived at Tarlac at 8:00 am. The community took their breakfast at our place. We then left for Don Bosco Tarlac to see the place, to meet the confreres. Shortly after, we moved for Nueva Ecija and arrived at 12:00 pm. We stayed there for an overnight stay. We played basketball, football and volleyball against the trainees and the brothers mercilessly defeated the guys. We expected to eat out at Magellan's place, instead we ate in-the-house. Nevertheless, the fellowship with the confreres there is superb and entertaining.

Talking within: Strange Changes... which only you can spot. It is like an elephant hidden and covered with blanket inside a living room. The obvious could suffocate, and to deny this is a folly, as the elephant continues to mess the entire reality with all its dung.

Oct. 24 (Tuesday)

After the mass at 6:00 am, we had a little encounter with the assembled trainees. One of the brothers gave a life-vocation-testimony stressing that the very reason why we live is for us to be happy. We seek that happiness in our lifetime and even beyond that.

We had a quick breakfast then left San Jose, Nueva Ecija at 8:30 am. We were told we could reach Sagada in 3 hours. After 3 hours we're still in Nueva Vizcaya. We arrived at Banaue by lunch time. The trip was long, bumpy and winding. We all got dizzy. Some puked out. I'm glad I'm not one of them. We practically travelled the whole day and finally reached at Sagada at almost 6 in the evening. The rest is simply settling down and adjusting to the chilling climate. There was no availabale hot showers so we took an extremely cold bath. Everybody experienced coming out from the bathroom shivering. Now we understood how Jack (in the movie Titanic) have felt before dying. After night prayers, instead of retiring we assembled for a session of "Pusoy Dos" game which lasted until 11:30 pm. It is not a gamble of money or wealth, but a gamble of dignity. Losers suffer the painful ridicule and lashing sarcasm by everyone.

Talking within: When your heart is full of passion that you just can’t hold out but express and blurt how you feel, it is always wise to keep them for a while than explode in spontaneity. I don’t allow my heart to rule my mind, to rule my life. Feelings are valid as they are in themselves, but they can never be objective. The realm of self is never congruent with the reality outside.

Oct. 25 (Wednesday)

After lauds and breakfast, the community marched to the municipal hall to register, then went off for the Sumaguing Cave. Nature is fascinating as beauty is manifested in the work of art wrought by God. The world is seen in an essentially ordered reality. God keeps us. The experience is elating. The feeling is inexplicable. Inside the earth’s womb, we have crawled, climbed, jumped, swam, pulled, and slid. The best part is when we competed for that memory capture. We ate lunch back at St. Joseph’s inn. We rested a bit. We never expected our rector to give us money to buy souvenirs and stuffs. The whole afternoon was spent touring around town and buying souvenir items. We went to see the Hanging Coffins at Echo Valley which is a significant cultural imprint of the Sagada Ifugaos. The hanging coffins are said to be the exultation of the good souls. Some went to the Bokong falls, and other parts of the town. At 6:00 pm the community bonded before Mary through a special rosary, and before Jesus through the Eucharistic celebration. After supper, a native brought us to a tribal fertility dance. It is so amazing how the Ifugaos had kept their culture and traditions intact in spite postmodernity and influences of the American Episcopalian Church. Some of us joined the fertility dance in solidarity with their culture. The tribal dance lasted overnight but after staying their for a couple of hours, we headed back to our inn for rest. Again, the “Pusoy Dos” saga continued.

Talking within: Encounters when maximized may be short but may last forever. We find ourselves looking for the grandest there is, yet the grandeur we seek are only found in the simplest little things. It is our expectations that kills our dreams.

Oct. 26 (Thursday)

At 6:30 am we opened the day praising and thanking the Lord at His Table while relishing the rich experiences we are having at Sagada. We ate sumptuous breakfast then rendered songs for those who prepared our meals. We hurried off and left Sagada for Pampanga. We spent the whole day practically for the trip to Don Bosco Mabalacat. We arrived there at 9:00 pm. Looking tired and famished, we devoured the supper prepared for us. Understandably, we are all tired so we immediately went to wash up and head for their beds, but not for the four of us. The session of “Pusoy Dos” resumed until 1:30 am.

Talking within: As St. Paul also experience, I find myself doing what needs to be avoided and avoid what needs to be done. We are accustomed to take the easy way out. Who would want pain and suffering?

Oct. 27 (Friday)

We had mass at 7:00 am with the confreres of the house. The whole morning we went watching and assisting young people giving their best in sports competitions: basketball, sepak takraw, taekwondo, volleyball, badminton, etc. Late in the morning we visited Clark Air field and the controversial closed down Expo Filipino. After lunch time, we rendered a simple program to the hosts to express our heartfelt gratitude for receiving us. We left for Calubang and arrived tired at 7:00 pm.

Talking within: Instead of complaining for all the lack and the negative things I experience, I must not forget the meaningfully rich and exhilarating positive experiences I am blessed with. Why cry over a lost gift which was given freely? The reality of possessiveness is not about possessing, it is about being possessed. Gifts given, gifts received, when we possess the gift, we lose its giftedness; when we lose the gift, we save it.

My journey to Sagada is a journey within the deep recesses of my soul. It’s not about going to a place. It’s about finding myself. I’m so glad I found it.

Posted by brodiz at 6:02 PM | Permalink | Comments