Philosophical Jokes
A DESCARTES JOKE (“I THINK, THEREFORE I AM”)
Rene Descartes walks into a resturant and sits down for dinner. The waiter comes over and asks if he'd like an appetizer
"No thank you" says Descartes, "I'd just like to order dinner"
"Would you like to hear our daily specials?" asks the waiter
"No" says Descartes, getting impatient
"Would you like a drink before dinner?" the waiter asks
Descartes is insulted, since he's a tee-totaler
"I think not!" he says indignantly, and POOF! he disappeared.
DEFINITIONS
What is Mind? No Matter.
What is Body? Never Mind.
PASSING ETHICS
I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.
A DIFFICULT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION
Q: Is this a question?
A: If this is an answer?
LOGIC
Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
| Crash Course in Logical Assumptions |
Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
PROVING THAT THE CHAIR DOES NOT EXIST…
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
WHICH HOLE?
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.
PROFESSOR’S BRAIN
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
2 LAWS IN PHILOSOPHY
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong
HOW TO CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB?
"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?" "Define 'light bulb'..." "How can you be sure it needs changing?" Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it. Three. One to change it, one not to change it, and one both to change it and not to change it.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.
How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does it take to change a light bulb? You're still thinking in terms of 'incremental change'--what we really need is paradigm shift...we don't need a bulb with more attributes added on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?None. Every light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
PHILOSOPHY AIRPLANE JOKES
- As a flight to Elea is perparing to take off, a stewardness rushes up to Parmenides. "I'm sorry, Sir," she says. "I'm afraid you're in the wrong seat. Could you please move?" "Of course," he replies. And he disappears.
- As passengers were disembarking from the flight to Ephesus, Heraclitus discovers that his legs have gone to sleep. Noticing that he hasn't disembarked, the stewardess asks him, "What's wrong?" "I can't move," he replies. And he disappears.
- A stewards pushes the refreshment cart up to Thales seat, and asks him if he wants some water to drink. "No," answers the Melisian. "I'll have a Pepsi." And he disappears.
- A passenger on the flight to Elea leans over to Pyrrho and asks if he knows the time. "Yes, I do," answers the Sceptic. And he disappears.
- On the flight to Bermuda, a passenger asks Bishop Berkeley if he had a watch. The Empiricist searches his coat pockets for several moments and finally admits, "I appear not." And he disappears.
- Anaximander had enjoyed several cups of wine on his trip home to Miletus. When the stewardess asks if he would like one more, the Philosopher belchs and says, "Oh, no. I've reached my limit." And he disappears.
- Plato and the rest of the passengers on the flight to Athens had been waiting for takeoff for thirty minutes when finally the pilot comes on the speaker and says. "Sorry for the delay, folks, but we're having a little engine trouble. We'll be on our way in about an hour." "An hour!" the philosopher exclaims. "Now I'll miss my appointment! I wasn't informed!" And he disappears.
- Aristotle, on the same flight, shrugs complacently and says, "Oh, well. No matter!" And he disappears.
Supposing that Philosophical Jokes are said to be funny.
When something is funny, it means that something is illogical.
When something is illogical, it means that the mind does not conform to the reality.
When there is no adequation of mind and reality, there is no truth.
When there is no truth, there is no knowledge nor wisdom.
When there is no knowledge nor wisdom, philosophy can not exist.
When philosophy is non-existent, there is no such thing as philosophical jokes.
Therefore, if we suppose that Philosophical Jokes are said to be funny, we are mistaken.
Yet why call these philosophical jokes?
I don't know.
I just find them amusing. (I didn't say they're funny.)
If people find these jokes funny, only these four things:
(1) they are philosophers and they know why these jokes are funny;
(2) they are not philosophers yet their threshold of laughter is so shallow that they can just laugh about anything.
(3) they are not philosphers yet pretend they are and convince themselves that these jokes are indeed funny.
(4) they are not philosophers and they don't pretend they are. They just want to please the joker.
If people find these jokes not funny, only these four things:
(1) they are philosophers and they're absolutely serious and humorless in life.
(2) they are philosophers but do not really find these jokes funny. There are far humorous things than these.
(3) they are not philosophers and are ignorant about philosophy. How could they get the joke?
(4) they are not philosophers and they do not know how to read.
Which among these are you?
