OF GOD'S LOVE AND GRACE
I am searching.
It is not that I have lost something; I just feel like searching something that is a “lack,” a void, something that could complete me. And in my searching, I discovered one of my biggest ironies in life: I have been found!
My one semester of critically reflecting on the God-Questions in Theodicy has brought me a lot of surprises in my search for a deeper knowledge and understanding of Him. These dramatical ironies have, in fact, twisted the expectations I had at the start of the semester. I was enamored by the idea of answering the God-Questions in the light of human reason. I braced myself for an intellectual approach to understand the Supreme Being, the Almighty God, the Creator, the Lord of All, with whom I have come to know and believe in faith.
In faith I have known Him, believed in Him and loved Him. But just like any other ordinary people, there is a lot about Him that I could not understand. There are ways made by Him that are not so clear to me, and I find myself, at times, questioning. For things I could not understand, and things that won’t make sense, I would confront Him. No wonder people have “shaky” faith; and I was not an exception. In taking this course, I have set myself to try to understand God as much as I can, with the idea of enriching my faith, and having in mind St. Anselm’s faith seeking understanding.
This philosophical exploit has really been very enriching as I have come to not only to understand, but to appreciate as well God’s existence and the possibility and necessity of demonstration, God’s simple nature, and more importantly His operations as regards the world. But such a knowledge and understanding and even appreciation are worth little if I have just taken them all cognitively. That would be empty, and I would go back searching once more.
After all these considerations about Him, what do I feel now about God?
I was deeply struck by these words mentioned by our professor:
I am, because of the Great I AM!
Because there is God, I am here typing in my keyboard, breathing fresh air, reflecting about his goodness, reflecting about my life, persevering in my Salesian vocation, striving to be a better person. Because there is God, I am able to appreciate life, nature, my confreres, my life and the beauty around me. This is not just about existence and causality. I am, because of the Great I AM! I have come to appreciate myself and the whole of me because God loves me.
God loves me. It is so consoling to hear and feel that. God loves me. Every time I would repeat these words, I feel like wanting to cry. God loves me. He does, despite all my imperfections and shortcomings. God loves me and I am overwhelmed by this great love. God loves me and I love Him back. And even if I would stop loving Him back, He continues to love me. He loves me because I am. (Nay more, I am because He loves me.) I admitted how I feel so unworthy of this love, yet He would claim and He would insist that I am worth His love. Who would not feel so elated? Who would not respond to this kind of feeling? Whenever I feel loved by Him, I am so filled to the brim that I could not but share this love to others. Then I begin to feel that I am a good person. That is, I am because of the Great I AM!
Yet, how do I know all these? Why do I keep on saying that God loves me?
It is not enough reason to say that God created me. The reason of my existence alone does not suffice as a response to this question. God loves me, not only because I am here breathing and moving, but also because He sustains me. And so I do not believe that after creating us, God would just leave us alone and allow us to do our thing. I believe in God who is so involved in our affairs. He sustains us. This means a lot to me. He is concerned about all my affairs. Without a blink, time-out, or coffee break, He continues to act for me to continue to act. I may not have reached this far, without Him. And then I would ask myself, “How important am I to Him to deserve such attention and assistance?” I know I have hurt Him a lot of times; I even tried staying away from Him and ignoring Him. Who am I to deserve such an attention and aid? I am only “one pebble” in the “cosmic beach” He has created, yet, He chooses to stay with me, to be with me, to help me, to sustain my existence, to influence my actions. Who would not feel so special?
With all these realizations, I should be feeling good and positive about myself. Pero nahihiya talaga ako sa Kanya. I wish I could outdo His generosity. I feel like owing Him a huge debt of gratitude, which for sure I could not pay. And to top all these, He does not even ask anything from me. Yet, I feel compelled or moved to do something, but to no avail, I would just end up being grateful to Him.
With God sustaining, guiding, reinforcing all the time, EVERYTHING IS GRACE! He sustains so much as He pours upon me grace upon grace. Perhaps I am just a blind fool to see this. I don’t easily get contented. There are many times in my life that the one thing I want, I never get to receive. That is when I come to Him begging, and when I perceive as if nothing happens, I would tend to complain: “God does not answer me.” But He does answer. In this theodicy class, I have learned much about His concurrence, a philosophical “capture” of God’s action in saying that “My grace is sufficient for you.” (2 Cor 12:9). It is difficult to see this because I easily succumb and get overwhelmed by the negativity, defects and “evil” at hand. Underneath all these, there is God supporting and answering every prayer I make, though not exactly as I would want it.
I would like to share one recent incident which inevitably led me to consider God in this particular situation.
Barely a month ago, we had a virus outbreak affecting almost all our computers. My computer suffered the most damage. I was so worried about my files. I realized how much I have attached myself to them, as it then dawned on me that this was no longer a battle against the virus, but a battle against myself. How much do I trust God? How am I willing to give these up in exchange for surrender, or faith. With a bit of bitterness, I resigned to the thought of it. I surrendered to that expectation of losing my files. But then, somehow, I still bargained with Him, prayed to Him, asked Him for the last time to spare my files. And indeed, my files got spared. I was jumping high in joy, praising God and thanking Him for answering my prayer.
Yet, while I was rejoicing and as I glorified the Lord, something began to bug me especially that following day when the community went to visit the wake of Fr. Noel Sumagui’s sister. A very striking statement was addressed to me the moment we saw each other: “If you want to lose your belly, you could have a had a sister in a coma.”
I did not how to react to this. Should I laugh at this statement? I have known him to be a joker. Yet, at that very moment, I found it so hard to look at him at his loss, in his situation. I simply didn’t see this statement a joke. I felt heaviness in my heart. His sister just recently gave birth to a child, got sick, been into a coma, and died. It was indeed painful for the family. She was young which means only in her thirties.
Yet, while I rejoiced and glorified God for His goodness in not letting me lose my files, not allowing the virus to prevail, who wouldn’t feel disturbed to see people weeping, in despair, struggling for life, intensely begging God not to let them lose a loved one? I did not lose my FILE, but somebody else did lose a LIFE – a loved one.
We credit all the blessings and goodness that are happening around us to God, no matter how small or trivial they are. But we could never credit all the misfortunes and sufferings. People, including I, would protest, “Why that disproportion?” In Theodicy, we have learned that God does not and cannot will evil. God cannot will moral evil. Yet, God allows evil. Even when things are difficult to understand, when reasoning and judgment seem to be inconsistent or disproportionate, when emotions and human experience cry strongly, I know and I believe that despite the tragedies we see and experience, the imperfections we discover, the sufferings we endure, God is with us in everything. God continues to act, to be present, and to be involved in making all things good for us. God consoles. God loves. Even in moments of loss and grief and pain and suffering, God does something good for us, in lifting us up, in alleviating our pains. In fact, He may be crying with us. This may contradict the Divine immutability, but I believe that God cries with our pain. To believe in this makes me feel more so consoled. He never runs out of graces. He is always there for us.
Our study on evil and the holiness of God allowed me to appreciate Him more. I get a glimpse on how God wants to help us out in our misery and suffering, but because of His great respect for our freedom, He allows it and rather feels with us.
With all these considerations, God did not only create me, He sustains my very being, and continues to guide and provide for my good. As what Fr. Mike used to say, “If this is not love, I don’t know what else could it be!” And so repeatedly I would say, “God loves me.” And I would feel so good about it. And I would feel so good about Him. I could not but love Him back.
Among the many papers I have accomplished as requirements, it is this one that took me a long time to write. I would normally spend thirty minutes to an hour to finish one reflection paper. This one took me five days to finish. And my reason is that this is no ordinary reflection or reaction paper. This seems to me an evaluation on how have I been relating with God. Feelings do not deceive. I don’t want to deceive myself and God even if God cannot really be deceived.
This philosophical adventure is not only a journey of knowledge and understanding about God. It is not only limited to my appreciation of Him. It is in fact a growth experience of relating with Him. How has Theodicy contributed to my relating with Him? I felt closer to Him in a sense that He made me feel and realize how much He loves me and how much He has been pouring upon me grace upon grace. This inspires me and moves me to strive to be a faithful, joyful and holy Salesian. As St. Paul would say, “For the love of God impels us.” His love impels me. I could only turn to Him to glorify and thank Him.
Surprisingly, even these glory and gratefulness will bounce back to me as He would generously respond, “It is actually for your perfection.”
Thank you, Lord, and I love you too!
